I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
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Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”