*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
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How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Word!
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes