What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
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Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
another case of gang violins
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious