My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
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*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
I wanna be friends with this person
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳