[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
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Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95