Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
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I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
October already? What’s next? November????
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.