my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
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Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye