God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
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Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Pot warmers of the day.