I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
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The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
how long have you had this for?
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
best review i’ve ever seen
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”