Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
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With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
ready to be harvested
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Try and stop me.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle