me when I see my crush
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Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
😩😩😩
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Why do meteors always land in craters?