“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
You Might Also Like
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
fixed it
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Tough love is true love
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂