Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
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I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
A dad and his duck
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast