I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
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I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned