I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
You Might Also Like
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look