I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
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Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.