A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
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When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Jogging
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies