I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
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saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
OH. COME. ON.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?