GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
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I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Finally, a door that understands me
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.