As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
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Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I am yelling
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.