A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
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The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that