If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
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I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
what is cheese if not milk persevering
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.