All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
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(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Duolingo getting serious.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.