You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
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If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
#DesignFail