[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
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the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop