If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
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OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.