DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
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My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.