Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
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I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.