If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
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Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive