Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
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My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…