Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
You Might Also Like
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?