Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
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Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
sliding into dms like
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
DOOO EEEET
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
My current situation
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅