Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
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[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
absolute chaos
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip