After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
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Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
🤣🤣🤣
3% human
97% stress
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.