9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
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What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.