“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
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The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Me trying to “trust the process”
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Breaking news:
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
my one true gender
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
my proudest tweet
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.