Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
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OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?