wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
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damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
“I FIXED IT!”
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves