[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
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“Everybody freeze!”
-November
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught