This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
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60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.