While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
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Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Employees must applaud the planets.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf