People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
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I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
You have been warned.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”