*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
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Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE