[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
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Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.