Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
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Double negatives are never not confusing.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
#Caturday
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
When I can’t barge, I careen.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it