*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
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It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
This is my bus stop.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.