Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
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I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut