the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
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Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I’m a bad influence on myself.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?