Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
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Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.