batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
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“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
necessity is the mother of invention
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Tastes like chicken.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*